Lessons on Stroking the Dragon's Balls
by Rosette-Cullen
Summary: A set of drabbles for AlwaysHatedEssays' birthday. Come witness OTPs you never dreamed of.
1. The Old Man's Fable

**A/N: Hi. Um, this is Dragon Ball Z, not what I usually write, so, sorry about that.**

**These three one-shots/ramble sessions are for AlwaysHatedEssays' (or Draggin-My-Ballz on Tumblr) birthday. She's one of the most genuinely honest, nice, and sincere people I've ever met.**

**I hope you like them!**

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><p>"Bloomers, panties, undies."<p>

A soft touch of silk over the pads of his leathery fingers.

"Bloomers, panties, undies… bikinis, briefs, and boyfriend panties?" The old man yanked on the white beard tickling his collarbones. "Hmm, I don't think any little lady would need a boyfriend with good, old Master Roshi around!"

With his declaration, a loud laugh erupted from the old man who was stealthily hidden behind a partially dressed manikin. A mother nearby with her two children grimaced and edged away from the pervert before he could take notice of her.

Master Roshi glanced over to the fleeting female and shrugged. He had already done a professional scan of the woman and determined that her bra size was a meager thirty-two B, nothing to scramble after. No, he was much more interested in the blonde bombshell rummaging through a sale bin of hosiery.

The Master sprinted from one manikin to another, creating a zigzag path that no one would be able to see. The thrill of the hunt always made him feel like a young tiger on the prowl for his newest conquest.

The woman held up a pair of red stockings and smiled brightly, turning around quickly to complete her purchase. The sudden movement of such a magnificent creature halted Master Roshi's movements and his spine rotated at an uncomfortable angle.

Torso cocked unevenly, the Master stumbled forward, hands outstretched to find purchase on some surface. Quickly enough his hands were full of silicone, rubberized and stuffed inside flesh and his face was level with a ribcage. The sound of a beating heart filled his ears and his own pulse leapt upward—and so did his old, flaccid John Thursday.

The old man laughed, his voice distorted by his comfortable smothering. He squeezed the breasts in his hand for good measure, and sure enough two palms slapped against his temples, yanking him out from the bombshell's bosoms.

"Eh heh, well, hello!"

The bombshell turned into a sinister serpent. "You… you…"

"Handsome devil?"

The woman's face turned bright red, her blue eyes grew dark and she struck quickly. "_Pervert_!"

In a heap on the floor nearly on the opposite side of the store, Master Roshi groped at his now swollen cheek. Someone beside him began to laugh hysterically and slapped him on the back.

"Nice try. I told ya it would never work, ya old perv," The pig snickered.

"It would have worked! If only my back weren't so sore…"

"Take it from me," Oolong said proudly, hands on his hips. "Don't bother with _those _kind of women. They're too good for anyone."

"Hmph!" Master Roshi pulled himself up into a sitting position and noticed that everyone in the store had stopped what he or she were doing in order to stare at him. Their hardened looks of judgment made his eye twitch. "Let's get outta here. We need to go where the shoppers aren't so stuck up."

Oolong glanced around him, and then happily followed Roshi from the lingerie store.

Master Roshi sprinted across a busy street with his pig companion close on his heels to a sex store down the way. He stared in amazement at the large billboard with the words, "Seven Balls Pleasure Shop." Roshi frowned at the sign. He counted on both hands, realizing that some poor man was missing one of his testicles, and then teared up as he grabbed at his crotch.

"Whoa! Save that for later when I'm not around!"

"Oolong… I have something to tell you…"

"Now is not the time to admit your interest in beastiality, Roshi."

"No…" Roshi stared at the ground. "I got that out of my system when I was younger. This is much more grave. I'm afraid… that I had one of my testicles removed."

Oolong stared in confusion, not quite understanding what was just relinquished to him.

"It happened long ago. I had been following a beautiful woman around for weeks. Eventually she caught on and tried to confront me. I only wanted to commit an innocent puff-puff, but she lifted her leg faster than I expected. Oh, Oolong! It was… so horrible!"

The pig blanched and brought one hoof down to caress the front of his pants. Tears formed in his eyes. "Oh, Roshi…"

"Please, say you don't think differently of me now!"

"Of course not! That's the most horrifying thing I've ever heard!" Oolong shook his head and stared up at Roshi. "Let's go inside and reclaim your manhood."

The reaffirmation strengthened Roshi. Strutting forward, the automatic doors moved from his way and a world of neon signs illuminated his pathway to reclaiming manhood.

The pair were instantly drawn the distinct sound of vibration. A narrow pathway led them to a back corner of the store where an instructional video was playing on how to properly use the newest vibrator brand. The explicit detail made Roshi and Oolong pant. They watched the video for ten minutes before the store clerk came over and uncomfortably changed the video.

Roshi spun around, mildly upset, but cheered up when he saw the vibrator in question being displayed proudly in the center of the store.

"Well, that video has me sold!"

"What are you gonna use it for?" Oolong asked, not quite sure if he wanted an answer.

"You know, Bulma's had a stick up her ass for a while now. Maybe this would make her loosen up a little. Eh heh heh. I'm sure she'll thank me with a kiss."

Oolong could imagine the reception with perfect clarity. He chuckled fiendishly at the thought of Vegeta finding out and the chaos that would ensue.

"Oh yeah, that sounds like a great idea!"

Roshi grinned. "I knew you'd agree. Now, let's see if we can't find some used panties in that clearance bin!"


	2. Bacon with a Side of Broccoli

The second moon had begun to set on the New Planet Vegeta. Distant stars twinkled brightly while disappearing behind sulfur clouds from the destroyed factories of this planet. The night had descended quickly after an afternoon of lovemaking.

Oolong sighed contentedly and caressed the nipple of his lover. The pec jumped with his gentle touch, Oolong chuckled and began to pluck at its slowly hardening surface. A light mist began to fall, covering the pair in a cold sheen that was uncomforting.

"Sheesh, this rain is so cold."

Without a word, Broly lifted one hand and sent a flare of energy toward the sky. The beam shot through the light mist and the warmth of the moon once again fell over them.

Oolong shook with fright and ducked his head into his lover's neck. The pig sighed contentedly upon hearing the Saiyan's low growl begin deep within his chest. Though Broly scared the bacon off of him, Oolong liked to antagonize the beast until there was nothing left to do but attack each other in a passionate frenzy.

"You know, if you overlook the fact that this plant's atmosphere is crumbling away, well, wouldn't this be a nice place to stay?"

Broly grunted in response.

"All those little slave people could fix up a nice spot for us and we could settle down and spend all day together!"

Broly's brow furrowed and he grabbed the back of Oolong's head. "No more talking."

With the guide of his lover's hand, the trembling pig found himself submerged in Saiyan genitalia once more.

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><p><strong>AN: It felt wrong writing this. But then it just felt _so _right.**


	3. Saiyan Camaraderie

"I came out here under the lure of a fight, Kakarrot."

"Aw, relax, Vegeta. We'll fight later." Goku chuckled at the other visibly tense Saiyan.

After all the two had been through while fighting Majin Buu, it only seemed natural they both form some kind of friendship. Though Goku wanted more than anything to have a civil and somewhat happy friendship with the prince, he couldn't deny the frequent tension between them.

"And what, pray tell, do you suggest we do in the meantime?" Vegeta asked, arms crossed tightly over his chest.

Goku placed a fist under his chin, looking up toward the sky as if lost in thought. The vast, empty field they stood in was perfect for a sparring match—but Goku had worked tediously to get Vegeta out here.

"_Well_," Goku drawled, "I guess we could start with something friends do."

"Don't be ridiculous, Kakarrot! We are _not friends_. In fact, I would consider you the _farthest_ thing from a friend."

"Aw, don't be that way, Vegeta. Oh, I've got it! Whenever I spend time with Krillin or Yamcha we always—"

"No."

"But Vegeta, I didn't even finish—"

"The stupid grin on your face is enough to deter me. I already disapprove."

Goku scowled at him for a moment but was quickly back on track. "How about a race, then?"

Vegeta scoffed. "That sounds more appropriate for two Saiyan warriors."

Having succeeded in his mission to entertain Vegeta, Goku laughed giddily, his hands rubbing together in excitement. "On you mark, get set, go!"

Vegeta watched the other Saiyan take off with a shocked grunt before quickly blasting off behind him. It was clear to the prince that neither met the speed they were capable of, but when the two were even the real race began.

"Where are we even racing to?" Vegeta asked, focused completely on staying in front of Goku.

"Around the world and back."

Vegeta laughed, powered up to an appropriate strength that wouldn't immediately incinerate the ground below him, and took off ahead of his competitor. After gaining a sizable distance from the other Saiyan, Vegeta veered off the straight path they had been traveling in and swerved around the mountainous terrain.

Nearly half way around the globe, Goku caught up to the prince, laughing as they both tried to best the other in distance. It was hardly a notable race, considering the amount of energy they both had to restrict, but every once in a while, Vegeta would look over and grin smugly. Anyone else might take the smile as blind arrogance, but Goku could tell, just feel the friendly competition that bonded them.

As the short race—that had in reality only lasted three or four minutes—ended, they slowed from their flight and dropped to the ground.

"Well, that wasn't nearly entertaining enough."

"You know, just because my feet touched the ground first doesn't mean you have to be a sore loser, Vegeta."

"What are you talking about, Kakarrot? I'm hardly the loser in this race, I was ahead of you for nearly half the distance!"

"Only because I let you," Goku laughed loudly as Vegeta rambled on about 'good sportsmanship' and the various reasons regarding his win.

"Now that you've served to increase my blood pressure, what other _marvelous_ ideas do you have?"

"Hmm, when I'm with Krillin—hey, don't give me that look! Anyway, sometimes we talk about our wives."

"That's ridiculous! The last thing I want to do is talk about—"

"Eighteen doesn't really know how to cook—because she's an Android and all. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if Chi Chi couldn't cook." His mouth watered just thinking about the breakfast she'd prepared that morning. "My favorite food would have to be… um, well, I can't really decide!"

Vegeta grumbled under his breath but didn't contribute to the conversation. Since he didn't yell or insult him, Goku decided to carry on with the topic.

"For Goten's birthday Chi Chi made a three course meal with all kinds of meat and sauces. I don't understand how she turns the animals we get into really, really good meals, but I'm always amazed."

Goku stopped talking when his stomach rumbled loudly, Vegeta's following soon thereafter.

"Now look what you're done," Vegeta growled. "I'm going to find something good to hunt."

"Great idea! I'll come with!"

"I'd rather you not."

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><p>The two Saiyan's found themselves crouched in a wooded area spying on a small fox. It was cleaning itself, unceremoniously lying out in the sun and enjoying the warm summer day. Every now and then its head would pop up, feeling eyes watching it, but not seeing anything.<p>

Goku watched the small creature with an expression of guilt. "Are you sure you want to kill it? That thing's too small to feed us."

"Meat is meat. And I'm only hunting for one person."

"Aw, come on Vegeta. Wouldn't you rather get a huge fish?" Goku's stomach rumbled again and the fox looked up.

Vegeta made a sound of disgust. "No, I most definitely would _not_ prefer a fish."

Goku looked over at the prince and cocked an eyebrow. "Wow, I didn't think you were a picky eater. Why no fish?"

"The reason in unimportant! I'm going to kill and eat this fox and you can sit back and watch."

"Oh, I get it!" Goku exclaimed. This time the fox heard and skittered away.

"Kakarrot, you idiot! Go chase that fox and bring me the body!"

"I bet Bulma burned some fish and made you eat it! Chi Chi used to burn food all the time when we first got married. This one time she cooked a duck until it was completely black—"

"Fine, if it'll shut you up, we'll fish." Vegeta stood from his crouch and stomped away to the lake that was two miles from their location. Goku followed happily.

Along the way, Goku snapped off two strong branches and tore some metal from a fence for the line. Bending the line at the end, he stuck a couple earth worms on and passed one to Vegeta.

The Saiyan looked at the stick and wire for a second before glaring at his companion. "What is this?"

Goku blinked at him. "It's a fishing rod." Vegeta's gaze didn't waver. "You, uh, throw it in the water, like this—" the wire bent forward and plopped down into the water, "—and wait for the fish to bite."

Vegeta dropped the stick on the ground and instead waded until he was knee deep in the water. After a few seconds of concentration, he snagged a decent sized fish from the water.

"My way is much more effective," he said smugly.

"Well, maybe, but you're missing out on all the fun."

"I could care less about _fun_. I'm hungry and want to eat this fish." As he finished, the prince pointed a finger toward the discarded stick and blasted it until a small fire started. "This method is quite progressive."

As Vegeta began roasting his fish, Goku rolled his pant legs up and waded into the water. Sometimes a man just had to eat.

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><p>Two hours later, and only after nearly all the fish in the lake had been devoured, the two Saiyans laid back on the grass just in time to watch the sun set.<p>

"What an utter waste of a day," Vegeta said tiredly.

Goku yawned. "I had a pretty great time," he said, rubbing his full belly.

"I would attack you, but all that fish has made me sluggish."

"I guess we'll just have to save it for another day, then."

Vegeta grunted, but it didn't sound all that bad.


End file.
